awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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