Can i not drive my cunt home
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
3 2 1 whiskey
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
