i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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