from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
