The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
