haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
