Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
