Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i love accidental penises.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
