How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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