im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
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I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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