eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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