I looked at my own cervix.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Mom said you looked used
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
