It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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