he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
