Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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