Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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