How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
