I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
FUCK WHALES
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
