Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
