I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
