i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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