I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
