I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize