I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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