Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
