My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
