Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
