I don't usually arrange sex via text message
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
