True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
