I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
