Sry I called you an 8
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
