Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
