My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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