saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
