I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
