its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
