what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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