Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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