Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
