every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
