The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
