I am spending my child support on dildos
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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