I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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