dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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