I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
