non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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