Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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