saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's the barista slut.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
