Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
