why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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