dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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