I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
