I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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