The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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