Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
